Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 21, 2024

When developing a parenting plan with a coparent who either may not show up or return the kids when they should, set it up so they must pick the kids up at the start of their time and that you retrieve them for your time. Always have a contingency plan for when the coparent is a no show. Make it clear you will only wait an hour before invoking your own plans, no longer waiting.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Consultation Mental Health Counseling 147

Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 11, 2024

I heard a wise friend explain to another that they must paddle their own canoe. It was a vivid metaphor and image of what can happen should one reach to paddle the canoe of another. It isn’t necessarily the other who lands in the water, but oneself. So often people seek for another to change their ways, they try to tell or influence their behavior.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Counseling Mental Health Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 11, 2024

The parent wondered why their child didn’t listen. I observed the parent and child. Whenever the child didn’t listen to a direction, the parent turned to me and offered a reason why the child didn’t do as asked. At the same time the parent would say, they were sorry to the child for whatever the child was feeling about the expectation There was no meaningful follow through to require the child to do as asked.

Mental Health 147

Mental Health Private Practice Social Worker Counseling 147

Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 11, 2024

Your teen escalates and you seek to restore order. Many a parent will try to exert greater power and control over the teen. However, that typically results in an escalation… of both teen and parent. Then the parent will escalate threats, usually framed as loss of privileges or resources. The length of time for which such is taken away grows as the conflict continues.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Empathy Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 11, 2024

They weren’t the worst of separating parents. Each was focused on missing their child. They were also focused on creating an easy parenting plan. The child was three. They chose a week about schedule. A week with each parent and change over Friday before dinner. Trouble was, that three-year-old missed both parents too. By the third day the child was distraught.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

MARCH 11, 2024

That gaslighting. It causes so many to believe they are somehow to blame for matters actually originating with their partner. Ways to tell if you are being gaslighted include: If you feel somehow someone has flipped the script and you find yourself on the defensive when trying to address their behavior; If you find yourself confused in the discussion wondering if you did did something wrong; If you find the other disproportionately angry for things you are simply trying to clarify or resolve.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

FEBRUARY 21, 2024

On a daily or weekly basis, how many alcoholic beverages do you consume? “I’m only a social drinker.” OK, then on a weekly basis, how often do you socialize? “Maybe three to five times a week.” OK, and when you socialize, how many beverages will you consume? “Maybe three or four.” OK, and what is your beverage of choice?

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Counseling 147

Gary Direnfeld

FEBRUARY 21, 2024

As much as parents believe they are using the best approach for their kids, most are using an approach either best suited to their own personality, or something consistent with their own growing up experiences or something chosen to be in effect, the opposite of their growing up experience. To use what is truly “best”, one must have considerable self-awareness, an ability to differentiate their needs from those of the child, a good understanding of child development and a range of st

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Consultation Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

FEBRUARY 21, 2024

It can be difficult to appreciate the impact of mental illness on one’s capacity to meet the daily demands of life and on the capacity to manage stress. Hence when expectations aren’t met or mood disrupts attitude, blame can quickly set in. Having a mental health diagnosis is like carrying additional weights on one’s back. Depending on the diagnosis and severity, that weight can be significant.

Mental Health 113

Mental Health Counseling Private Practice Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

FEBRUARY 21, 2024

Remember those education workers who at the beginning of the pandemic, switched their approaches on a dime to as best as possible accommodate their students? These are the same ones who managed their own kids at home while doing their best to accommodate yours while on-line and in some cases, still in-person. Now these are the same people doing their best to catch those same students up academically and even socially.

Private Practice 203

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 203

Gary Direnfeld

FEBRUARY 21, 2024

Some things are just difficult to appreciate without the experience. One of those things is life with a narcissistic ex. It’s hard to believe a former partner and coparent would so deliberately poison their kids against the other parent. It’s beyond comprehensible to think that in doing so, they would let their own kids be psychologically and emotionally destroyed by their own actions.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 28, 2023

The thing about that barrage coming from a narcissist, ask yourself if it is relevant to whatever is being discussed. So often a narcissist will redirect a conversation to put the other on the defensive. They throw up a lot of nonsense. Emphasis on “throw up.” If you respond to it, it means it’s landed on you. However, if it isn’t relevant, it likely doesn’t require a response.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 28, 2023

Believe it or not, your teen wants a connection with you. They may not show it and they may have their guard up, but typically, they want it. That’s good news. When things are going sideways, then it’s up to you to make them feel safe. Feeling safe facilitates connecting. Connection facilitates the relationship. The relationship facilitates communication.

Communication 147

Communication Private Practice Mental Health Counseling 147

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 18, 2023

When her dad found out the neighbor’s kid had been playing sex games with her, he went over and scared the sh-t out of him. She was eight at the time, the boy fourteen. Dad was like that, a scary guy. Not much of a talker. More of a doer. He was that way with his wife too. The girl found it all confusing. She liked the attention from the older boy.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Counseling Mental Health Depression 113

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 18, 2023

Truth is, human sexuality is complex. Somehow though this truth is misunderstood by many and outright denied by others. Like any other aspect of human health, behavior, traits and personality, sexuality is also on a spectrum. Indeed multiple spectrums. The two confusing spectrums for many is sexual orientation and gender identity. Sexual orientation is about who one is sexually attracted to.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Diversity Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 18, 2023

Empathy. Broadly speaking we can differentiate two types: cognitive and emotional. With emotional empathy we can feel what another is feeling. We are right there along with them. With cognitive empathy we don’t really connect on a feeling level with the experience of other. However, we can infer what they may be feeling by thinking it through and trying to take their perspective of an experience.

Empathy 147

Empathy Private Practice Mental Health Counseling 147

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 14, 2023

I’m lucky. We get along in my family. I have two older brothers. We trust each other. My mom trusts all of us. I know that isn’t everyone’s experience. With that, we are prepared for the inevitable. All of us. Family members know where important documents are. Persons have been designated to have POA (Power of Attorney) for financial and health matters.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Consultation Mental Health Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 14, 2023

If you’ve lost the connection to your teen, no amount of begging, cajoling, threats or punishment will get them on track. First and foremost, you need to establish a connection. No connection, no influence. For that, guerilla love. We all know what guerilla warfare is about. You sneak up on your enemy combat and kill them when they aren’t looking and then slip away.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 14, 2023

As busy and as difficult as one’s job may be, that person may never know the challenge of needing to go to the bathroom with kids of an age or need, that require continuous supervision. Upon returning home to be asked what one got done that day, is totally devoid of understanding the exhaustion of nary a break, continuous responsibility, and the averting of constant potential crises.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Counseling Mental Health Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

DECEMBER 7, 2023

Separated parents. Kid comes home loaded for bear. Kid let’s that parent have it with nonsense told to them by the other parent. Some may feel intimidated by the child. Some may be angry for the other parent using the child as a pawn. Still others may be unmoved, able to see through the nonsense and thus pay it little mind. How a parent reacts can greatly influence the perception of the child with regard to what the other parent has said.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Empathy Counseling Mental Health 147

Gary Direnfeld

NOVEMBER 23, 2023

I asked. She told. She spoke about her experiences with things unimaginable to most. She said that previous therapists had said her background was the most extreme they have ever heard. Hearing that, my concern was that she worried about overwhelming the therapists. I don’t know. They may have been. However, I assured her that although her experiences were indeed extreme, I have actually heard similar and worse.

Therapist 113

Therapist Private Practice Mental Health Adoption 113

Gary Direnfeld

NOVEMBER 23, 2023

His problems seemed endless. The list of problems was long and the parents were exhausting all their punishments. There was only one left, his part time job. As awful as school was and as much as he got into trouble there, no amount of punishment would make things better. That job looked like something he might work for. They wondered about taking it away.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Schools Empathy Mental Health 113

Gary Direnfeld

NOVEMBER 23, 2023

If you are in your thirties or forties, consider what it feels like if I ask if you have put grab bars in your shower. It probably feels irrelevant at the moment. It’s just is not a consideration. Indeed, if I tried to convince you of the need before you actually need them, you will likely be annoyed with me. That is what many teens feel when we seek to advise them of how current choices can play out in their adult life.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

NOVEMBER 23, 2023

About that anxiety. It referred to as a disorder because those feelings of fear are either unfounded or far greater than what is reasonable to the trigger. Given an anxiety disorder, the saying, “trust your gut,” just doesn’t hold. The nature of the disorder is to be held hostage by feelings that don’t fully fit the situation.

Anxiety 147

Anxiety CBT Disorder Private Practice 147

Gary Direnfeld

NOVEMBER 6, 2023

The Narcissistic EX- my 90-minute workshop helping people better understand their situation and how to manage: Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts! I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Counseling Mental Health Consultation 147

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 30, 2023

All those leaves. When our son was a young teen we had a basketball net on the side of the driveway. I kept it in perfect shape. All the kids in the neighborhood knew they could use it. They did. They even had permission to knock on the door if a car was in the way and they wanted to play. They did. Come fall with the leaves off our colorful maple making for a blanket on the front lawn, I stepped out to talk to a group of kids who gathered to play basketball.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 30, 2023

Her trajectory to recognizing and accepting her same sex orientation took time. Coming from a strongly religious family, she did her best to deny her feelings. She dated men but never really connected. However, it was enough to keep her parents from recognizing her hidden truth. It wasn’t until she attended college away from home did she let experimentation take over.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 30, 2023

She just didn’t know how to connect. It affected every relationship. Turns out her parents separated when she was two. The parents both went on to remarry. Their respected partners each had two kids of their own. That meant four step-siblings. The mom had another child, so a half-sibling, Her father didn’t have any more kids. All that by the time she was twelve and mom separated again.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Therapist 147

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 16, 2023

There’s a concept of narcissistic supply. It refers to those persons who provide adoration to the narcissistic, feeding their ego however it seeks to be fed. It can also be other things the narcissist needs and wants to feed their entitlement too. Things such as attention, financial support, sex or any other demands. The narcissist sees others as per the degree they provide that support.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Social Worker Counseling 113

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 16, 2023

Yesterday I posed a question to Educational Assistants on my Facebook page. I asked how the year is going so far. There were 452 comments at the time of this post. This is reflective of the comments: “394 violent incident reports filed in 27 days of school, that is how our year is going in our board. In one class alone over 11 evacuations in 27 school days.

Private Practice 264

Private Practice Schools Mental Health Social Worker 264

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 5, 2023

Your child may feel odd, not sure who they are attracted to. They may find they have feelings for an opposite sex friend and then a same sex friend. Maybe even a trans friend. You child may then not understand their sexual orientation. Indeed, their attraction isn’t even a sexual thing. It’s about the person. This is likely the pansexual child.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

OCTOBER 5, 2023

I get it. You worry about your child when they don’t fit into the binary of sexual attraction. You worry for their safety, their acceptance, their well-being. That you worry is reasonable. That makes you a parent. However, the answer to resolving your worry can’t rest on seeking to change your child so that they fit into the binary. In attempting that, you inadvertently become emotionally and psychologically unsafe to your child.

Private Practice 29

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 29

Gary Direnfeld

SEPTEMBER 20, 2023

Some kin step up to help a sibling, nephew or niece. They are there against all odds. Often it’s a rescue mission, perhaps saving the kin from themselves or a situation beyond their control. All too often, it’s thankless. So, on behalf of those persons you’ve stepped up for, let me thank you. Even if the person is problematic and continues to have problems, the likelihood is that they are still better off for what you have provided.

Private Practice 113

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 113

Gary Direnfeld

SEPTEMBER 20, 2023

It can be tough acknowledging harms from one’s family of origin. It can lead to defensive posturing, extolling only the virtues of one’s past. So doing, one omits the challenges and sometimes untoward behavior that occurred that also shape and influence one’s own adult behavior and life. There may be truth to one’s positive memories despite the bad.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

SEPTEMBER 18, 2023

Attachment style is something that is developed in the first few years of life. It can determine how we connect to others in intimate relationships come adult life. In short, the degree to which the infant to toddler is raised in a calm and safe environment with their needs met in a timely basis, they are caused to feel secure and trusting in their attachments.

Private Practice 147

Private Practice Counseling Mental Health Social Worker 147

Gary Direnfeld

SEPTEMBER 18, 2023

Please know I support persons of the LGBTQ2 community, BIPOC community, women, immigrants, working poor… I value inclusion and social policies that provide for choice on matters concerning one’s own body. This will not sit well with some followers. Some may seek to engage, argue, blame, etc. I value my Facebook page as a safe place. With that, I do not allow opinions that are contrary to the well-being of these groups to be posted.

Private Practice 130

Private Practice Mental Health Counseling Social Worker 130

Gary Direnfeld

SEPTEMBER 4, 2023

Soon after returning to the classroom, elementary teachers in Ontario will be voting to go on strike. Doug Ford’s government through Stephen Lecce, the Minister of Education will be spinning tales hoping to pit parents against educators. Don’t fall for it. All you have to do is step into a few schools to see the state of disrepair, crowded classrooms and students whose supplies are often provided by the teachers themselves from their very own salary.

Healthcare 147

Healthcare Private Practice Government Mental Health 147