Early Life Sex Games, Later Life Consequences

When her dad found out the neighbor’s kid had been playing sex games with her, he went over and scared the sh-t out of him. She was eight at the time, the boy fourteen.

Dad was like that, a scary guy. Not much of a talker. More of a doer. He was that way with his wife too.

The girl found it all confusing. She liked the attention from the older boy. There wasn’t much attention directed to her at home. She flew under the radar. Her relationship with the boy felt special even if secret.

She never felt hurt by his actions. She never had any contact with him after that day.

When teenaged, she still flew under the radar at home. She wasn’t one to make waves or intervene when her dad was having a moment.

She was lonely though and learned that making herself available for those sex games garnered a little attention and what felt like affection.

If however a boy wasn’t satisfied with something about her and grew angry, she would quietly withdraw and soon after find herself with someone else. This was just the way of feeling connected, of value, somewhere.

It wasn’t until her late twenties that she saw a counselor. It followed another relationship gone bad and she was saddled with depression.

Depression brought her in. There was no connection to a life lived as it was. Instead there was self-doubt, a sense of guilt and shame.

People live a life unaware of the impacts of experience.

Therapy connects mood, feelings, biases, self-appraisals to our life lived.

It was quite a journey, in part fraught with denial or at least minimization.

It took a while to really piece together a childhood with emotional needs unmet creating vulnerability.

It took a while to appreciate her own self-worth, particularly in view of what seemed liked choices made.

The thing about some people’s choices is that they don’t see the connection to life experiences. Most people believe their choices are independent of any influences.

Part of this is admirable in that people want to assume responsibility for their actions. Another part negates the impact of life and how those experiences draw on the strings of our choices.

I like to tell people that when awakened to the impacts of such experiences, then they are more capable and responsible for choices on a go-forward basis. Until then, while yes, you engaged in such behavior, in truth, why you did so was beyond true choice and more the impact and trajectory of life.

Hopefully it helps people gain perspective.

Hopefully that perspective helps distance oneself from shame, blame and self-doubt and enables new learning and thus better decision making.

Hers was quite a journey.

Her choices are now with eyes more open. More deliberate.

It didn’t come easily.

She’s much better now.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.