Romantic relationships can come with many highs and lows. You can oscillate between feeling very confident and then insecure. Insecurities can come from unresolved internal issues, such as low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, trauma, and general anxiety. When these issues are not dealt with, they can topple over into your relationships.

Insecurities in your relationship may also stem from your partner engaging in gaslighting. Gaslighting is one of the most common hindering behaviors found in unhealthy relationships. What is gaslighting and how can it negatively impact your relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that occurs when someone tries to manipulate you into questioning your own reality and sanity. For example, someone will try to make you feel like you are in the wrong when they should be the one taking the responsibility. Gaslighting can manifest in relationships when someone is feeling the need to control the other person. They want to gain the upper hand and avoid being held accountable for their own actions and behaviors. Ultimately, the one who is gaslighting wants to have the power in the relationship and always be right. Therefore, their actions and words are used to make the other person feel wrong.

Some gaslighting statements include:

• “Are you sure? You do not often remember.”
• “You are just trying to make me feel confused.”
• “Why are you overreacting, this is not a big deal.”
• “I did not say that. You are making that up.”
• “That idea is just crazy. Who did you get that from?”

If you feel that you have been gaslighted, here are some steps you can take to stop this behavior:

• Speak up, defend yourself, and try to de-escalate the situation
• Become aware of and set personal boundaries
• Stop and recognize that this is a form of manipulation and put your safety first
• Do not allow yourself to take the blame or responsibility for their actions and behaviors

Additionally, there are other ways in which insecurities can appear in relationships such as:

• Experiencing distrustful feelings about your partner 
• Your whole world revolves around your partner and their needs 
• Comparing yourself to your partner’s exes
• You often feel like you are being attacked by your partner 
• Have a constant need to know that everything is okay in the relationship
• You often self-sabotage because you worry it is not the right partner for you
• There is a lack of intimacy in the relationship 

So, when this happens, you might ask yourself what you should do? How can you work on your insecurities or help your partner with their insecurities? Here are a few things you can do to help yourself through this process:

• Let go of the past, enjoy the present, and look towards the future
• Work on self-esteem and self-confidence building
• Put the work in to finding out the root cause of your insecurities
• Build trust not only in yourself, but in your partner too
• Work on limiting overthinking and negative judgments
• Learn how to communicate better even if it makes you feel uncomfortable
• Focus on your positive attributes and work on strengthening them

Gaslighting and other associated insecurities do not have to ruin your life. There are ways in which you can work on getting to the root cause, develop newfound confidence, and strengthen your communication skills. Once you become aware of and face your challenges, you can gain insight and learn from your mistakes. Seek out help from a mental health counselor or a licensed professional who can help you work through these relationship challenges.

Author: Amber Weiss, LMHC

Transformative Mindset

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