And Then, She Found Herself

She just didn’t know how to connect. It affected every relationship.

Turns out her parents separated when she was two.

The parents both went on to remarry. Their respected partners each had two kids of their own. That meant four step-siblings.

The mom had another child, so a half-sibling, Her father didn’t have any more kids.

All that by the time she was twelve and mom separated again.

Dad was always more invested in his new family. She saw him regularly, well mostly, but they weren’t close. His place was more just another place to hang out.

All those people in and out of her life. Siblings, step-siblings, a half-sibling, stepparents.

Her young life was a complex web of intense relationships that didn’t last. Some of those relationships as seen between her parents were marked by yelling, screaming, some pushing and broken doors. Scary, unsettling.

She learned to disconnect, to not even try to connect. “What for?” she thought, “They’re going to leave anyways.”

This was simply her life, her reality. She didn’t know anything different.

It was lonely. The pain was significant. She released it through cutting. It didn’t hurt, even though the scars scared others. She was seen as having problems. Her mood was always brooding, dark.

It wasn’t understood she was a product of her environment. That contributed to her feeling isolated. She left home at 17.

Although the boys took an interest in her, she wasn’t too connected there either, although those shifting relationships provided places to stay. They didn’t last. Those relationships mirrored those of her parents.

It wasn’t until her later twenties did she finally enter therapy in a meaningful way.

It was the therapist who drew out the whole story rather that addressing the issue in the moment.

There it was, all laid bare. All the fractured relationships of her life.

She also learned about attachment theory and how it related to her life. Her insecure and somewhat disorganized attachments.

Although she finally learned that this was all the root of her mood and disconnection issues, the real hard work was learning how to read the red flags in terms of her choices in a partner and then learning to risk connection as well as how to communicate one’s needs and wants in addition to how to peacefully resolve conflict.

Sure, there were fits and starts, backslides and disruption. Two steps forward and one step back. But she continued.

In time she learned to set boundaries with members from her family, to no longer look for things they couldn’t give.

That is when her healing really took off.

With having set boundaries she was no longer exposing herself to disappointment and more emotionally abusive behavior. This was her taking care of herself. Finally.

In taking care of herself, this was also her valuing herself rather than seeking it from others who couldn’t meet her needs.

That was when, at about 37, she entered into a more stable and more mature relationship that would last.

She stopped chasing. She stopped running.

What she really found, was herself.

As she made friends with her, she was better able to make friends with others.

She changed. It was a long road.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.