Some Parents Play “Good Cop – Bad Cop”

Some folks see one of their parents as good and the other bad.

The bad parent may have been abusive and/or had problems with alcohol and/or drugs or perhaps mental illness.

The other parent was seen as good for not having been engaged in those behaviors deemed bad.

However, in some of these situations, the good parent was non-protective and may have relied on the one seen as bad to be an enforcer of behavior and may have even sought to have you tolerate that parent. This is a tough and confusing dynamic.

It is the dynamic of good cop, bad cop.

While one seems to be on your side to protect you from the other, the sad reality is that they are actually aligned. Neither are acting in the interest of the child as neither are actually protective of the child. They are mutually acting in their own interest for the maintenance of their own relationship however troubled.

This dynamic carries on into adulthood.

The adult child is expected to subordinate their needs and still tolerate abusive behavior and exploitation. Even as an adult, the supposed good parent continues to be unprotective and hold expectations that you excuse, tolerate or trust the abusive parent.

Truth is, neither are trustworthy and neither are acting in your interest.

When still seeking validation and love and hopefully a recognition for the wrongs of the past, the adult child remains hooked into this dynamic.

Change is not about altering the parents or their dynamic.

Change is more about realizing they are both exploitive and abusive, but with different styles and attributes.

Change requires the adult child to recognize this dynamic and come to terms with the likelihood of never achieving validation or an apology or any semblance of insight by their parents.

Change for the adult child will likely also require the setting of firm boundaries with both parents, separating from both and limiting the relationship.

This often entails wrath from the parents which the adult child must also cope with and see for what it is, more evidence of the mutual abuse by both parents.

These are quite challenging situations and relationships to heal from. The help of a therapist is often necessary.

Many have achieved their emancipation and thus live less chaotic and disruptive lives.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.