As I began to relax yesterday evening, I got a call on my work cell from the on-call triage nurse. A patient had died, and the nurse had just worked 15 hours straight on a Saturday. Could I take over until the funeral home arrived?
The usual activities of a death visit can open a door
I engaged with the family, expressed sympathy, held space, helped them pack up their mom’s belongings from the assisted living facility room and carry them to their vehicles. When the family expressed they were ready, I called the funeral home. I waited, held space, documented. I spent some time in the room with the family and also offered to wait outside in case they wanted quality time with their mother before the funeral home arrived.
So far, the interaction included the basic ingredients of a death visit: a presence that strives to be supportive, assistance with funeral home, and assistance with whatever else they need, like coffee or carrying stuff.
But we don’t need a social work degree to do all that, do we? Well-meaning volunteers can provide a supportive presence and carry bags of belongings. Any team member can call the funeral home.
You’re there in case they need a good counselor
Last night, after the funeral home arrived and departed, and all family but one individual departed, I found myself glad that I came equipped as a social worker. The remaining family member, a daughter of a patient, sat at a table in the lobby of the facility. I sat with her. She began sharing. I listened. She shared some more. I listened.
As I listened, I reminded myself how much I needed someone dedicated to listening after my Grandfather had passed away, and how difficult it was that during that week my work kept me far from anyone I felt comfortable sharing with. Having recently experienced feeling in need of a good listener, I committed to accommodating this need in my patient’s daughter.
Most of my attention was on “just listening,” simply accepting as valid and important what she was saying. But I also listened for opportunities to help. I listened for any self-doubt, shame or guilt. When she expressed these feelings, I considered responding with an affirming thought.
Social workers should attend deaths. We are good and flexible counselors. Sometimes, people need good secular counseling after the funeral home has taken away their family member’s earthly remains.
Is it not worth it, when attending deaths, to go along with the mundane tasks, so you can provide counseling when it’s needed?