When Your Teen Escalates

Your teen escalates and you seek to restore order.

Many a parent will try to exert greater power and control over the teen. However, that typically results in an escalation… of both teen and parent.

Then the parent will escalate threats, usually framed as loss of privileges or resources. The length of time for which such is taken away grows as the conflict continues.

Sadly this too only escalates anger, distress and conflict.

Really, to restore calm, it’s up to the parent to restore their own calm first.

Once the parent gets a grip on themselves, empathy for the teen is required.

You see, underneath that anger, is likely fear. The teen fears not being loved or understood. They feel thwarted.

“Help me underwhy this is so important to you?”

“What do you believe I’ve missed”

“What are your trying to achieve?”

As you are calm and curious, you are now modeling what you hope the teen to come to as well.

Power and control as a means to manage teen behavior rarely ends well.

Seeking to understand and then letting the teen know they are loved first, opens the door to more dialogue and then you sharing your concerns.

There still may not be agreement on final issues and you still get to set the terms for what is acceptable in your home, but at least now there may be dialogue instead of hostile open, and at times violent, conflict.

It starts with the parent finding their calm first; stopping themselves from exercising power and control to instead seeking to understand with curiosity.

That is respectful and loving behavior.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.