Empathy: You can acquire it

Empathy. Broadly speaking we can differentiate two types: cognitive and emotional.

With emotional empathy we can feel what another is feeling. We are right there along with them.

With cognitive empathy we don’t really connect on a feeling level with the experience of other.

However, we can infer what they may be feeling by thinking it through and trying to take their perspective of an experience.

All this matters in the realm of relationships.

The capacity of understanding, and appreciating the experience and perspective of another helps us to have meaningful connected and reciprocal relationships.

If you have a limited to no appreciation of the experience or perception or feelings of the other, we are stuck with only our own which by default will be biased.

When we mistake our biased view as also representative of the other, we are at risk of misreading behavior and intentions and then acting in a way not helpful to the situation or relationship or situation.

Where a person may be lacking emotional empathy, then cognitive empathy can be learned.

Like any skill, it does take some degree of effort, training and practice. Like learning any skill, there must also be some motivation for doing so.

Not all people who have low to no empathy necessarily recognize this about themselves. It is just their normal.

Some however do see a challenge in perspective taking, recognize it may be a hindrance to forming relationships or managing in a work environment and thus seek to develop the capacity.

It is simple to begin. It starts by using curiosity.

“I’m curious, please help me to understand what you are feeling.”

It’s about checking in on the experience of the other before drawing one’s conclusions based on their own experience in isolation.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.