Looking to Separate? You Likely Have a Head Start.

While some decisions to separate may be reached jointly at or near the same time, this is a less common scenario.

The decision to separate is more often the outcome of one reaching a conclusion where being apart is better than being together.

That decision doesn’t typically come easy or fast. Most often it several years in the making.

With that, the one coming to the decision to separate has had a chance to come to terms with their feelings about it. After all, several years gives a person much opportunity to think and process things.

Therein is the rub. As the one triggering the separation has had time to go through a multitude of emotions, the other has not.

The other is likely where this one was a few years back. Emotionally there is major catching up to do.

Like any loss there are stages to coming to terms with it.

That first stage is most often anger. With that the one triggering the separation next may point a finger citing that anger as cause for the separation.

Then, true to form, comes bargaining which can be interpreted as harassment.

And when the sadness kicks in there is concern for the mental stability of the person.

As with most significant adjustments, the last stage is acceptance. Therein some semblance of stability surfaces and things may truly be sorted out for the better.

Just like the person who triggered all this began their emotional journey to acceptance a few years prior, it can also be a few years for the now ex to reach this place too.

Along the way though, the person catching up may have their normal emotional reactions held against them.

When this is the case, the negotiations of settlement can go off the rails and spill into the court where these matters are intensified. That is an expensive outcome, financially and emotionally, taking a toll on the entire family.

It takes calm and patience to best handle one’s partner after dropping the news.

Expect anger. It’s normal. Not easy, but normal.

Allow time to process. Know there may be some acting out. Give space. As crazy as it may sound, show empathy and respect.

If your decision to separate is the result of previous anger issues, then plan for an escalation. Patience will still be a virtue.

In the end, we want the separation process to go as smoothly as possible.

Understanding and planning for the emotional adjustment of the other can help towards that.

Don’t weaponize normal reactions, but look for ways to support adjustment.

As much as you believe counseling for the other is necessary, so too may it be for you to best understand, plan and manage the recoil to your decision.

Truth is, learning to support and manage the adjustment of the other is in your self-interest and those of children.

You don’t have to love or even like the other to plan an exit that is emotionally understanding.

You only have to care enough to change things up with as little drama and distress as possible.

Plan your exit.

Plan it before implementing it.

This won’t apply to all persons in all circumstances. However, whenever possible, still plan your exit.

The use of empathy and respect have nothing to do with what you may think the other person deserves and doesn’t mean one must settle for anything innapropriate.

It’s about acting in a way that lessens the likelihood of ongoing conflict.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.