Thinking About Using Christmas as a Punishment? Don’t Do It!

Naughty or nice?

If you’re going to use Christmas as a threatening device, Well then, you better think twice.

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Some folks pull out the big guns when dealing with truly out of control behavior. There is the threat of the BIG consequence. That’s the one that if you don’t tow the line kid, you’ll lose everything. Or in this case, no Christmas presents.

Particularly in the teen years, this can be a disaster.

The problem with threatening the big gun is that most kids and teens know it’s an idle threat. Thus it carries no weight. If you don’t follow through, the child learns they can get away with their behavior and still be rewarded.

The flip side is, if you do carry through on the big threat, the backlash will be enormous. That’s the result of that child’s huge resentment. Behavior will be off the chart.

Either way, the big gun strategy often spells greater disaster. That’s in part because it is extreme and puts issues into an “all or none” position. Extreme and all or none.

Indeed, this strategy likely reflects the behavior and thinking of the child; extreme and all or none. If both child and parent are extreme, both have lost control… of themselves. Managing behavior takes time and can’t rest or resolve on a single big threat or intervention.

Managing behavior is about making smaller course corrections before things get so out of hand. We do so while remembering to show love, caring, empathy and compassion at the same time. If you are worried about your child’s extreme behavior now, think twice about using the big gun.

Instead, express disapproval. Express concern. Express love. Do these things consistently and while remaining calm. It’s ok to limit some activities or withhold some privileges, particularly for brief periods of time so the child sees a way back to perhaps enjoying some of what was lost. Better this time after time, than thinking you’ll wait, but threatening the big gun. Waiting and threatening works backwards and inadvertently encourages extreme behavior.

The value of jumping in early to set boundaries, limits and expectations while still expressing love and empathy, is that you and child don’t ramp each other up as a well and overplayed duet that ends in misery for both.

Even if your child is out of control, you remain in control of yourself.

That may already be a fifty percent improvement to the situation and a much safer place for everyone as a result.

Enjoy Christmas. Don’t indulge, don’t threaten. Bring emotions and reactions back into a reasonable range.

Start by managing yourself when provoked by your child. Speak gently without intimidation. Express concern. You don’t have to meet every demand and you can set reasonable limits.

When they push back, express empathy and love. Let them still feel safe, connected and cared for.

Manage yourself ahead of ever seeking to manage them. For a quieter and more peaceful Christmas to come, start practicing quiet and more peaceful approaches now.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.