The Messages that Sabotage Self Care

My nails were beautiful and my mother was furious. I suppose she thought a 6-year-old should not have painted fingernails. My aunt painted them. She let me choose the color and I took my time choosing the right one. My aunt had lots of fingernail polish. The colors ranged from white to deep red. I had trouble deciding because I had so many options.

My aunt did not rush me. She let me go through my own process. She asked me several times if I was ready. Each time, I told her I had not decided. She would say okay, smile and leave me to work. I finally chose pink.

Pink Nails

My aunt gently filed my nails into shape and then painted them. I could not touch them until they dried. I remember blowing my fingertips hoping the polish would dry faster. Painting my nails at my aunt’s became one of my favorite things to do. She patiently taught me how to stay on the nail. I consistently got polish on my finger. She showed me how to remove it without messing up my nails.

I had a few accidents spilling polish and polish remover. Each time, my aunt waved her hand, said “don’t worry about it,” and helped me clean it up. My aunt is 84 years old now. She has an active lifestyle. This includes bowling in two different leagues two days a week. She has maintained leadership positions in her leagues for as long as I can remember. She also paints her fingernails every Sunday evening.

Now I realize that my aunt modeled the vital nature of self-care. She demonstrated that I can:

  • Choose to be kind and loving to my body and mind
  • Take whatever time I need to choose the best course of action
  • Feel a sense of control by nurturing myself

Self-Care does not come easily to many of us. As previously stated, my mother was furious. She raised her voice at me and then at my aunt after seeing my painted nails. I struggled to understand her anger. It was only fingernail polish. My aunt told her so. My mother painted her own nails occasionally. Why couldn’t I?

For the first four years of elementary school, I wore those horrible black and white saddle oxford shoes. I hated those shoes. My mother made me polish them every Sunday night before bed. She believed that their appearance conveyed a message about our character. Now that I am older, I understand. We were a black family living in a suburb of mostly white and ethnic European families. We were judged by how we looked.

Appearance Matters to Some

I would pull out the Hollywood Sani-White Shoe Polish and got to work every Sunday. Occasionally, my mother polished her white shoes with me as she wore white shoes to work at the hospital. She praised me when my shoes shined.

She demonstrated that:

  • Self-care was a luxury to be done only when everything else was completed
  • Praise comes by pleasing others
  • The way you look will matter more than how you feel

Which message do you think I internalized? Yes, the second one.

My mother is 86 years old and does not look her age. She also bowls twice a week in two different bowling leagues.
Self-care is a struggle for many. We are not always taught to pursue that which brings about our own well-being or happiness. Parents model and promote practical actions for living. Go to school, get a job, take care of your practical personal needs.

Self-care is Good, But Satisfaction is Better

Taking care of one’s wellbeing is a vital part of a healthy life. Many strive to maintain the appearance of what is culturally expected. Unfortunately, the pursuit of success, prosperity and renown often results in overwhelming stress and dissatisfaction. Compassion and lovingkindness are key ingredients for a life of satisfaction. When we are satisfied, we take good care of ourselves.

A satisfying life comes not when we strive for success, but when we treat ourselves and others with love, kindness, and compassion.

Compassion encourages an open and friendly stance toward others as they struggle. Self-compassion enables us to embrace ourselves with kindness and caring as we struggle in life. Lovingkindness is also an active practice that expresses caring and well wishes towards others and oneself when there is no struggle.

I have found a path to satisfaction through mindfulness practice which cultivates compassion and lovingkindness. This practice led me to actively practice self-care.

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