How We May Inadvertently Disable Our Kids

Are you disabling your kids?

It’s a serious question, however, it’s not meant to mean you are doing so intentionally.

Unfortunately though, many patent do inadvertently disable their kids. They do so by coddling, carrying, and compensating.

Coddling refers to smoothing the way for them. Removing any bumps. Being over protective.

In so doing, the child is robbed the opportunity to grow and develop the result of mastering adversity.

If spared frustration and hardship, how will they know how to cope and overcome obstacles later in life? Indeed, they may shirk away or continually seek to be rescued.

Carrying your kids means they don’t have to work for things.

That could actually be the parent doing their child’s homework or buying them whatever gadget is pined for.

With no skin in the game, being carried, the child is robbed the opportunity to learn the value of work, be it towards a responsibility or for financial self-sufficiency.

That can creat the conditions for them to remain dependent or worse exploitive of others to support them and their desires.

When a child meets with a disappointment, some parents seek to compensate the child.

They give something special to the child to help them with the bad experience to hopefully lessen it’s impact.

The trouble is, the child can then grow up believing someone owes them something when things don’t go their way.

Coddling, carrying, compensating. These behaviors of the parent can disable the child from managing distress, being responsible and coping with life’s ups and downs.

Resisting these behaviors and instead helping your child meet responsibilities while providing emotional support better enables your child to meet the demands of life.

The child may not appreciate this in the moment, but the investment in their capacities can pay off for a lifetime.

When older they can have the maturity to reflect and appreciate your better efforts.

Play to this long game. See past the immediate gratification of the moment.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.