It’s OK to Jump the Train and Leave

Relationships have a momentum.

For far too many, the quality of the relationship has little bearing on the momentum.

With that, the relationship follows steps. Those steps can last days to several years.

• Meet
• Get to know each other a bit.
• Continue meeting.
• Sex.
• Meet friends and/or family of the other.
• Cohabitation.
• Perhaps a commitment to marriage.
• Engagement.
• Marriage.

Throughout there will of course be some ups and downs, some figuring out of each other and hopefully some accommodation.

Because of the momentum if serious issues arise, it may be difficult to leave the relationship.

There may be an emotional attachment. There may be social pressures to continue. There may be the belief things will improve even in the absence of evidence. There may even be coercion.

I am here to tell you, it is OK to leave a relationship. Momentum is not a reason to continue.

• Look for a goodness of fit.
• Look for the capacity to resolve conflict reasonably and in a way that satisfies both.
• Look for reciprocity.
• Look for your acceptance by the family of the other.
• Look for some semblance of employment security or capacity.
• Look for responsible financial management.
• Look for transparency and mutual input towards financial decisions.
• Look for nonpunitive parenting views and strategies.
• Look for sobriety and if imbibing, never such to create distress of any kind.
• Look for kindness as a way towards all others as well as yourself.

Any element missing from above can give cause to stop the train. It need not be agreed to. Therein is your capacity to set and maintain both reasonable expectations and boundaries.

If fought against, it may be evidence that your concerns are not respected or validated. Therein is further reason to stop the train, to break the momentum.

Grieve should you do so. That’s OK. However, you have likely just spared yourself a life of turmoil that may have folded on itself later.

Relationships have momentum.

You can stop the train to get off at any point.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.