Thinking About Separating? Think About This….

It is not uncommon that when a person thinks about separating from their partner, they may contemplate it for years before following through.

That means this person has had all that time to think it through as well as adjust emotionally.

When the news is delivered, even if the relationship was problematic, the one just receiving the news feels like the rug is pulled from beneath them.

That leaves them disheveled emotionally, upset, scared, angry, hurt….

Kids may witness the distress of the parent and certainly have to live with the emotional confusion of the parent, let alone their own.

With that, considerable time is needed to accommodate to the news and adjust and think through the consequences.

However, for the one dropping the news, they are often anxious to get on with their plans and follow through as they have thought it out.

All and all, this is quite a set up for distress and conflict.

The one wanting to follow through feels thwarted, the other feels pushed.

Meanwhile, the kids may reasonably align with the parent pushed into turmoil, feeling responsible for their emotional well-being.

The challenging dynamics escalate.

If the one triggering the separation is already in or soon enters a new relationship in this turmoil, the kids may come to reject that parent’s new love interest, sight unseen.

That new person may represent the demise of their family as well as upset and betrayal of the parent disheveled by the news.

Sure, if you want to separate, truth is, you may do so.

Do know however, that how you go about it, the process of separation and the time for all to adjust, can weigh heavily into any fallout and what transpires as a result.

Do allow time for adjustment.

Do know that introducing a new love interest too fast too soon can work against yourself.

Be patient and where your decisions and actions have caused distress, take responsibility.

Apologize without reservation.

An apology for creating turmoil and change doesn’t mean you are bad. It means you have empathy for the impact of your actions on others.

You can still follow through with the intention to separate.

You have had time to think it through and adjust.

Their turn.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.