When The Child is Coached to Badmouth Their Parent
The child entered my office and barely could contain themself.
Quickly they told me about their preference of who to live with, given their parents separation.
The child went on to explain how the preferred parent was better than the other.
I thanked the child and complemented on being able to share their information.
Given the abundance of information I asked if either parent helped them remember all the points they shared. The child explained that yes, they practiced with the preferred parent.
I also asked if they practiced in the car on the way over to my office. They did.
I told the child their parent would be pleased with them for remembering everything they told me.
We went on to talk about the disparaged parent.
Seems the child actually loved that parent just as much as the other.
The things talked about disparagingly previously weren’t mentioned, so I asked.
They didn’t happen. Apparently the preferred parent just wanted the child to tell me what they did, but those weren’t their actual experiences.
These are complex and difficult situations in the midst of disputes over the care of children between separated parents.
The entirety of my discussion and experience with the child was written into my report.
It is not uncommon for these matters to languish in the court system and for children in these situations to develop issues of mental health and behavior problems. Solutions are expensive and not very effective.
I often suggest to parents how to manage as effectively as possible and work towards a positive relationship as the child ages.
These are also the situations that give rise to the most complaints to regulatory bodies about service providers. It is impossible to meet the divergent needs of parents in this context. They next turn their anger and blame to us.
I no longer provide these services and neither do some of the best of my colleagues. It’s too risky.
We do hope that parents resist such wars over their kids.
There is a saying, “Love your kids more than you hate your ex.”
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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.
Gary Direnfeld 