The Perfect Child, Also Unwell.

The call was about the one child who was continually acting out, skipping school, getting into trouble.

The other child was described as perfect, a perfectionist actually. That child had great grades and only concentrated on school work. The child was seemingly obsessed with that and as such, didn’t have time for trouble. That child was considered fine.

Given the difference, there was also a split between the kids, one good, the other bad. Their relationship was off. However the focus was the one in trouble.

It seems though that the relationship between the kids paralleled the relationship between the parents. Again though, their focus was on the so called trouble maker.

Truth is, they were both in trouble. Both were affected by the parental discord, the tyranny of the one parent, the submissiveness of the other. With that, one child acted out. The other acted in.

That perfectionism was just as much a distraction from the parental conflict as the trouble making served to keep the other from distracted from the parental divide.

For either kid to do better, the one to settle down and the other to relax and be less anxious, the parent’s would need to get their situation under control. Punishing the one acting out, scapegoating, wouldn’t make that child perform better, it would just be adding injury to upset. Further, it would do nothing to improve the sibling relationship which after all, was modeled on the parent’s.

It took time, considerable time. Eventually these parents separated. However, in so doing it did land the issue where it belonged and brought peace to the kids who as a result settled and found themselves closer as a result.

A child exceedingly good in the midst of parental trouble isn’t necessarily a good sign. That child may be checked out, so to speak. That child learned to ignore what is going on as a coping mechanism that inadvertently does nothing to change the situation. Come their adult intimate relationship, there too, they may be poorly invested, seeking to avoid things that may need addressing. It doesn’t work.

So, even when one child’s behavior is clearly an issue, be mindful of the other and consider that both may be a reflection issues elsewhere.

---

Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.