Forget Winning with a Narcissist. Think Neutralizing

You must understand, the narcissist isn’t really out to win. They are out to annihilate you.

If you give in thinking it will create peace, think again. If working with a narcissist, and you have survived with what you gave up on, they will come back for more.

To manage with a narcissist, it really requires a paradigm shift, a change in one’s own thinking. Appreciating this person is out to only hurt you, even if they supposedly win, they will not be satisfied.

Indeed, the narcissist will happily lose things themselves if it serves their primary goal which is to annihilate you.

With all that, the challenge is to jump the mindset that you are in a win/win or win/lose battle.

Instead, you must look at strategies to neutralize the impact of the narcissist.

Neutraltizing means never letting them think you are pleased or happy about an outcome even if you are.

Neutralizing means learning to manage your fears, gathering factual information and not relying on the nonsense they spew.

Neutralizing also means learning how to work with your kids when they act as mouthpieces of the narcissist by remaining calm, non-defensive and simply redirecting to the expectations of the moment without being demanding yet being empathetic.

Neutralizing is about no longer seeking to appeal to the common sense or decency of the narcissist as that only makes them happy, liking your frustration as they continue to thwart you.

Neutralizing means learning how to respond to their diatribes whether in person, text or email without going down their rabbit holes.

As you concentrate on neutralizing instead of seeking a mutually acceptable solution or selling the farm to buy peace, there is where you gain your power and improve the opportunity for a better outcome.

Rarely can anyone else or court do that for you. This is work you must do to survive and thrive.

Hard? You betcha.

You know the alternative.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.