Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs
Objectives
~ Define interpersonal effectiveness
~ Identify barriers to interpersonal effectiveness
~ Examine the goals of interpersonal effectiveness
~ Review techniques for improving interpersonal effectiveness
Definition and Goals
~ Interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to ask for what you want and say no to unwanted requests
~ Goals
~ Get others to do things you want them to do
~ Get others to take you seriously
~ Effectively say no to unwanted requests
~ Strengthen current relationships
~ Find and build new relationships
~ End hopeless relationships
~ Create and maintain balance
~ Balance acceptance and change
Barriers
~ Lack of effective communication skills
~ Lack of clarity about what you want from others
~ Difficulty balancing your needs and the other person’s needs
~ Emotions get in the way
~ You sacrifice long term goals for short term relief/urges
~ Other people get in the way
~ Other people are more powerful than you
~ Need for external validation
~ Beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want
Techniques
~ Clarify priorities…How important is
~ Getting what you want
~ What, exactly, do you want, and how can the other person provide this.
~ Feel better
~ Fix it
~ Know you will never leave
~ Keeping the relationship
~ Maintaining your self-respect
DEAR MAN
~ Describe in specific, objective terms
~ Express feelings and opinions using “I” statements
~ Assert
~ Ask for what you want
~ Don’t expect mind reading
~ Reinforce by explaining the benefits to the other person ahead of time
DEAR MAN
~ Mindfulness
~ Stay focused on your goal
~ Ignore diversion techniques-blaming, magnification, justification or switching topics
~ Appear confident in verbal and nonverbal behavior
~ Negotiate
~ Offer and ask for other solutions
~ Compromise
~ Say no but offer alternatives
Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~ Gentle—No attacks, threats, manipulation, judging (should, shouldn’t, moralizing), no sneering, smirking, eye rolling, name calling
~ Interested
~ Listen
~ Pay attention to nonverbals (yours and theirs)
~ Maintain eye contact
~ Try to unhook from your emotions
Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~ Validate
~ Pay attention
~ Reflect back
~ Pay attention to what is not being said
~ Understand how the other person’s reactions and thoughts make sense based on their past and present
~ Acknowledge the valid
~ Show equality treating the other person as an equal not as fragile, incompetent or domineering
~ Easy manner
Keeping Self-Respect– FAST
~ Fair to yourself and the other person (validate both of your feelings)
~ Apologies
~ Don’t apologize for your feelings or opinions
~ Don’t invalidate the valid
~ Stick to your values
~ Truthfulness
~ Don’t lie, exaggerate or make up excuses
Asking for Something or Saying No
Asking for Something or Saying No
~ Points to Consider
~ Capability of either person to deliver
~ Does it relate to a high or low priority goal?
~ How will it impact your self respect to say or take no?
~ What are each person’s rights and values in the situation?
~ What type of relationship do you have with the person
~ What is the effect of your action on your long-term goals
~ How much give and take is in the relationship
~ Have you done your homework (needs, wants)
~ Timing
Finding New Relationships
~ Look for people with similar interests
~ Introverts
~ Extroverts
~ Work on conversational skills
~ Open-ended questions
~ Small talk
~ Find common ground
~ Skillfully self-disclose (be aware of disinhibition)
Introverts and Extroverts
Introverts
~ Get energized around other people
~ More aware of what is going on around them
~ Figure things out as they talk
~ Don’t mind interruptions
Extroverts
~ Have to exert energy to be around others
~ More aware of what is going on inside them
~ Figure things out then talk
~ Prefer peace and quiet
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~ Be self-aware
~ Be aware of your impact on others
~ Pay attention to transference issues
~ Pay attention with interest and curiosity
~ Stop multitasking
~ Stay in the present instead of planning your response
~ Focus on those around you
~ Be open to new information
~ Let go of judgmental thoughts about others
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~ Give up always being right
~ Avoid assuming what other people think
~ Avoid questioning other people’s motives
~ Go with the flow instead of trying to always control it
~ Ensure there is a give and take
Ending Unhealthy Relationships
~ Make the decision in the wise mind, not the emotional mind
~ Consider problem solving if the relationship is important and NOT destructive
~ Troubleshoot problems and rehearse coping strategies
~ Be direct
~ Practice the opposite action for love
~ Be safe!
Walking the Middle Path-Dialectics
~ The universe is filled with opposing sides/forces
~ There is always more than one way to see a situation and more than one way to solve a problem
~ Two things that seem opposite can be true
~ Everything is interconnected in some way (butterfly)
~ Meaning and truth evolve over time
~ Each moment is a new reality
~ What we do influences our environment and the people in it and they influence us
Keeping Your Balance
~ Use your wise mind to ask “What am I missing?”
~ Let go of extremes change either/or to both/and
~ Balance opposites by validating both sides
~ Make lemonade. Find the silver lining
~ Treat others as you want to be treated
~ Look for similarities, not differences
~ Practice radical acceptance
~ Practice accepting change
Keeping Your Balance
~ Pay attention to your impact on others and how they impact you
~ Let go of blame
~ Remember that all behaviors are caused
Important Things to Balance
~ Accepting and Changing Reality
~ Validating Yourself and Acknowledging Errors
~ Working and Resting
~ Needs and Wants
~ Self Improvement and Self-Acceptance
~ Emotion Regulation and Emotion Acceptance
~ Independence and Dependence
~ Openness and Privacy
~ Trust and Suspicion
~ Focusing on Self and Focusing on Others
Summary
~ People with emotion dysregulation often struggle in relationships due to
~ Lack of effective interpersonal skills
~ Need for external validation
~ Lack of clarity about needs
~ Necessary goals
~ Clarify wants and needs
~ Enhance assertiveness and interpersonal skills
~ Enhance self-esteem
~ Develop and maintain supportive relationships