Stepparent and Stepchild Conflict

I am thinking of step-families, those that are blended with kids from one or other parent, sometimes both.

Of these, not all stepkids and stepparents form a loving, let alone caring relationship or even a tolerance for each other. Indeed, it can be highly conflicted and result in much disruption and challenging behavior on the part of those involved.

It is not uncommon that in these situations a parent may have moved too quickly into the relationship with the new partner. In these situations, the child likely hasn’t yet mourned the loss of their primary family and the introduction of the new adult thwarts any belief of family matters resolving for the better. That breeds resentment towards the new partner.

It may also be that there just isn’t a goodness of fit between the personalities of the child and new adult.

There may also be a former partner out there actively undermining the situation.

It may also be that either person, the child or new adult may have issues unto their own that is irritated by the management or behavior of the other.

Lastly, even the bio-parent may have issues themself that can add poorly to the mix.

In more complex situations, several of these factors can be going on at the same time. These can be destructive situations for some kids. As the adults, it remains up to the parent and stepparent to find solutions. Emphasis placed on the child alone as the source of the problem tends to inflame matters, even if that child is a teenager.

If we hold an interest in the well-being of the child, that means their needs and issues must take priority over the relationship between the adults who seek to form a family together.

The adult’s love for their new partner is not a guarantee of the love or respect of the child for the new adult in their life. In these situations, unchecked, it can lead to abusive behavior by an adult towards the child as well as behavioral, academic and mental health issues for the child. The trajectory in these situations can lead to a child leaving home early and/or pregnancy and/or drug/alcohol use.

On very rare occasion, it can also lead to the child developing the skills to leave home by finding employment, however, leaving school early too. These are very serious matters.

If you are separated or perhaps currently in an affair contemplating separation, appreciate that it can take kids years to come through their parents’ separation. Moving too fast too soon can create a poor outcome for the kids.

If you are currently experiencing this situation, take a step back and look at the capacity of yourself and partner to take on counseling to learn strategies to better accommodate the needs of the child. The child may be in a crisis of adjustment and may also have a number of unmet mental health and/or academic issues besides. While the child may need support and treatment directly, their issues are likely also symptomatic of issues elsewhere.

A better outcome will be achieved addressing it all.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.