Sitting with a Good Feeling

This week it has come to my attention that I have really come a long way in my healing since 2019. In 2019 I was about 5 years into healing full time and working to better my life. I was having several panic attacks a week, nightmares, flashbacks and a whole lot of other awful symptoms of CPTSD that I experience.

I am a data oriented person so of course, I have tracked my CPTSD symptoms of the past 7 years. Here’s what I’m willing to share that has changed because I worked very hard to help myself and heal instead of kill myself:

Symptom	Start 2014	2019	Now
Panic attacks	20+ per day	3-5/wk	1 every couple months
General Anxiety	all day, all night	All day, all night	Periods of general anxiety during the day
Nightmares	Everynight	4-5 days a week	a few times the week before my period(pms effect)
Flashbacks	every waking hour	Several times a day	several times a day
Insomnia	Every night, I barely slept	Periods of insomnia lasting months	Shorter periods of insomnia to a few days
Headaches	Daily	most days but not all	Several times a month
Dissociation	Daily and not controllable	most days, brain is foggy	Present most of the time

So in realizing all this I am sitting here with a good feeling. Through my meditation practice I can hang onto these good feelings longer. I’m allowing myself to feel proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. For most of my life I wasn’t allowed to be proud. I still see this messaging especially to women and girls. Fuck all that though. This is proof that I am capable of change, growth, and that I am unstoppable. Slowly but surely, one step at a time.

I also don’t allow myself to be continually hurt or be hurt anymore. This is so huge there will probably be several posts about it as I figure out the repercussions of this change. I am not going back anymore. I’m not checking on things or responding to abusive people from my past. I have removed them from my life and the unintentional priority they once had. My priorities are now in line with a healthier happier life for myself. I feel like things will get even better from hear as I continue to take good loving care of myself.

I still struggle a lot but the feelings are less intense, less urgent. It’s like I can sometimes remove myself from the pain and see myself as someone who is healing and needs compassion. Then I give myself that compassion. This wasn’t always easy especially when I didn’t like myself but it got easier to choose compassion than the urge to be cruel. It’s been a lot of trying things that I was very resistant to doing. Resistance is a normal. What’s important is to keep going. That’s what I am going to do. I plan to be around for a long time and to share what I’ve learned.