An Affair and Trauma

Please realize, an affair is a traumatic experience for the one cheated on.

Regardless the quality or issues in the relationship, fidelity remains an expectation.

When broken, trust is difficult to repair.

That repair requires unequivocal taking of responsibility by the one who had the affair.

There is no wiggling around trying to blame it on a poor relationship, drugs, alcohol, whatever.

Repair also requires a life of transparency on a go-forward basis. Your partner should never have to guess one’s whereabouts or the company one keeps.

Even if one does the work to improve the relationship, there must be an appreciation of the trauma the affair imposed.

That means there is no ever “getting over it.”

It will always be there, much like a wine stain on a white tablecloth. Cover it up, lay out the best dishes. It remains.

So with that, one must accept those consequences.

It doesn’t mean one must forever apologize. It’s not about that, assuming a genuine apology has been provided.

It’s just about understanding, accepting and living with the impact of one’s affair upon another.

Indeed, as one does understand and accept their role in the trauma of their partner, therein the partner may regain respect.

That contributes to the repair of the relationship.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.