I Thought

I though I was well enough to start working more. I made a schedule and really poured myself into having a routine and my next steps mapped out. I was tired but I didn’t think much of it. Tired is pretty much my normal. Then I started to gradually feel worse and worse.

Some sores popped up on one of my fingers. That happens when I get really stressed and it’s happened 3-4 times. This time was different though and for some reason this shingles-like sore became infected. Red streaks appeared on my arm and I knew something else was going on. I got a doctor’s appointment and they sent me to the ER. I had to stay overnight and have intravenous antibiotics. I am very lucky I caught it in time because it ended up being cellulitis, a deep infection. I could have died.

It has now been about a week later after that adventure and I am healing physically. I had a couple anxiety attacks. I haven’t had those in months but it makes sense since it was a very stressful event. I’m left with mixed feelings because I thought I was doing better or at least well enough to try to live more, work more, clean more, ect

The last 8 or so years since I have been dedicated to my healing I have done my best to reduce stress as much as possible. I’ve also had a difficult year. Deaths in the family, losing friends, and being isolated due to the pandemic. Healing is a long grinding road. It’s very frustrating when I am doping my best and I still fail. I know failing or setbacks are all part of it. It feels like every time I get my feet under me and I’m able to get up that I get knocked down again.

Today I am resting and trying to stay away from the news, social media, working, and things that have been possibly triggering me. I’m going to go outside(even though it’s cold), and try to do some things that are fun for me. Yesterday I also rested and watched a couple of my favorite movies, had ice cream, and again tried to stay offline.

I think I am upset about needing to rest. Upset that I am a human that needs human things like rest. I’m determined to feel better and if that means more changes then that’s what it means. What matters is what I do from here to keep supporting my healing process. Monday is tomorrow and it’s a new week to do better for myself. I will keep trying.