The Tools for Overcoming Mutual Hurts
Although now in their 40’s and having barely survived as a couple through much turmoil, they were committed to working things out.
Indeed, they had attended much therapy prior to our having met. They had done some good work already.
I suggested they have a private conversation and pretend.
I suggested to pretend they were now in their mid 60’s and they were discussing all the things they learned and did to manage their relationship more successfully. I asked that they have that conversation with a sense of pride for using those strategies.
My thinking was that they knew what to do but needed encouragement to see the value in doing so. I wanted to better cement them in the use of the tools. Imagine.
We also talked about accepting the hurts of each other as opposed to burying them. Burying hurts cause them to float up as it takes continue effort to have them stay down. With accepting the hurts of the past we can remember them as learning experiences and as places to measure our progress from. With that they are accepted and have a positive role on a go forward basis.
As for the triggers still experienced, they were causing guilt for the other, having been the source of the trauma reexperienced. Rather than languishing in guilt, now be the source of comfort.
Do not run from, but to your partner.
Thus you own the impact of past behavior and are there to witness and hold the pain. With that, one offers egoless safety instead of abandonment.
I look forward to catching up and learning of their use of these new tools.
I can only wish them well and honor their goal.
The work takes effort and practice.
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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.
Gary Direnfeld 