When a Loved One Holds Extreme Views

Be respectful of the person even when you do not respect their values and even if their values are contrary to social norms or society’s well-being.

Recognize there will be those whose respect for you though will be conditional on you bending to their views and opinions.

Your simpy holding to your views will be enough for them to hold you hostage emotionally and with the threat of distance or breakage of the relationship.

You will have choices to make.

Bending your views, opinions, standards and values may further embolden the other in their contrary direction. However, a relationship, even if tenuous, may remain.

Hold to your views and therein is the risk of continually being baited into conflict and being held hostage or blackmailed for the sake of the relationship.

There is however a third less spoken of alternative. That is as stated above. Remain respectful of the person, not necesarily their views.

Maintain your integrity without throwing or seeking their conformity as a basis of your relationship with them.

Remain available, albeit with clear boundaries.

Simply be and exude the values you would seek of the other.

Do not answer diatribes simarly or defensively.

Indeed much does not require a response even if demanded.

These are tough times for some folks between friends and family.

Your setting reasonable boundaries respectfully can keep a door open.

Where we never have control over is the views and behavior of the other.

For some, relationships will be lost, hopefully not forever.

In those situations, play to a long game. Do not seek retribution for hurts imposed. Do not wave the finger of “I told you so.”

Remain available. Remain respectful of the person.

The work is in us maintaining our integrity and always as a place of safety.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.