Aging Parents? Still Manage Your Boundaries

Caring for an aging parent can be fraught with challenges.

Two come to mind.

The first is when we seek to parent our parent and make decisions for them not in keeping with their wishes.

It is tough when an aging parent makes decisions, not necessarily what you would have chosen, yet decisions they are good with themselves. While challenging it is often best to abide and respect accordingly.

Having said that, if their decision affects you and you don’t personally want to comply with such wishes, you don’t have to.

You do get to maintain your boundaries and not participate in anything that is contrary to your wishes. It remains your parent’s responsibility and decision what they choose to do with that.

It is not our place to infantalize them. Their life, their decisions.

The second challenge is when difficult parents make inordinate requests that impinge on your time, resources, money, etc., while you are seeking to protect yourself from their intrusions or outright abusive behavior which is consistent with their parenting throughout your life.

If you still wish to be helpful, you can be, but from a distance. You don’t need to be taken advantage of or be abused.

You can offer to help them get the services they need as best you can.

If such parent declines outside services, demanding you and your resources directly, you can decline.

You don’t have to be manipulated to do their bidding or to be their direct care provider.

It remains their choice what to do with that.

The consequences of their decisions remains with them, not you.

If you succumb, it may be at the expense of your financial resources, let alone your mental or emotional health, let alone how it may affect your partner and children.

You don’t have to put yourself or loved ones at risk to be helpful to your parents.

So the issue is respect and dignity.

That is a train that runs in both directions.

You’re the engineer.

---

Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.