Reconnecting: There are steps.

He was emotionally inept. It cleaved the relationship with his daughter. He wanted to repair it.

It was the alcohol in his early years and later his anger. She wanted nothing to do with him.

He wondered how he could ever reestablish a relationship.

He was dry now. Stable. With a partner.

He would have to apologize.

He would have to be transparent, honest, authentic. Those were all the things he never achieved when married to her mother.

She refused to meet.

I had him write an apology. Something with no “buts” in it. Full on responsibility.

He did so. I reviewed it. There were no edits. First draft. He listened well. He wrote well.

The reply took a few weeks.

I was clear not to harass, to respect silence and give time to reflect. He waited. It paid off.

She thanked him for the apology, however, she didn’t want to get together.

She didn’t say he couldn’t email, so he did.

He asked about her life currently and she responded factually.

He maintained the boundary she set. They continued by correspondence. Contact was every few weeks.

I think it was about six months down the road when she suggested they meet for coffee.

I coached him then as a did in the beginning. Transparent. Honest. Authentic. Non-defensive.

She got to experience him anew. It wasn’t all smooth, but there was a connection.

I am guessing it was healing for both.

In all it included a meaningful apology, space, patience, respecting boundaries, transparency, authenticity and non-defensiveness.

He did the work.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.