When a Grandparent Undermines the Parent

She came because the one child wouldn’t listen.

In actuality, the child did listen, just not to her, the mom.

The child did listen to the grandmother.

Seems the grandmother would talk down about the mother to the child. The grandmother also allowed the child far more freedoms than would the mom.

The mom was hoping to better manage the child, however, it was abundantly clear it wouldn’t happen with the undermining influence of the grandmother…. her mother.

Mom was reluctant to set limits and boundaries with her own mother. Mom was worried about crossing her, losing her affections.

Even now as an adult, mom can be made to feel emotionally insecure at the hands of her mother.

It wasn’t until mom learned that those weren’t true affections but matters of power and control to boost the esteem of her mom. Indeed, narcissistic traits.

Finally coming to terms with the true nature of her mother, she began setting limits and expectations. Unfortunately, those failed to stop the undermining behavior of the grandmother. If mom was ever to manage her child it would depend on her cutting ties between grandmother and son. It was a huge step.

She took it.

The pushback was enormous.

She even received demanding, and at times cruel messages from other family members and even friends of her mother. With support, she maintained her boundary.

With regard to her son, it didn’t take long for him to listen.

In truth, mom’s expectations and parenting abilities were reasonable and good.

Without grandmother running interference, the child settled in and behaviors of concern simply evaporated.

With that, mom felt confident in herself and her need of her mother’s affection and validation also evaporated.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.