About Your Intuition: It may be a trauma survival skill

That spidy sense, your intuitiveness, you may think it’s innate, that you were born with it.

Maybe. Maybe not.

There are those born into complex situations with danger lurking and harms happening.

That danger may be conflict between the parents, alcohol or drug abuse, serious mental illness, the impact of poverty, the early loss of a family member.

Therein, right from the get-go, you’ve had to read the the room.

You’ve had to gauge the emotional state of those upon whom you were dependent. You needed to figure out if it was it safe.

Would your needs be met, by whom, when and at what cost?

You had to determine when to move forward, when to hold back, when to seek safety and when to act.

Spidy sense. It developed by necessity.

With age, it became your normal. Always reading the mood of others. Being able to read even the tiniest of behaviors: a breath, twitch of an eyebrow, tightening of a lip, shift in tone.

You could infer tension and predict behavior.

Some call it a sixth sense, a gut feeling, being intuitive.

No, not likely innate. Developed out of necessity.

Now as an adult, you likely still scan the social environment, the mood of those about you. You have a capacity to read people.

But be careful. It is a skill based on fear.

With that you, being sensitive, can be triggered by a miscue.

Now as an adult, your situation may be different and you may have to learn to attune yourself differently to what you read.

Assuming you are safe, you may still read danger when danger is not afoot. A false positive can interfere in an otherwise reasonable relationship.

That spidy sense. It seved well as a child and now, if or when in contact with those who presented a danger. However, in a context of safety, it can get in the way.

Perceiving one as dangerous who is not, works against the integrity of the relationship.

The challenge is learning to tell the difference and use according to circumstances.

That spidy sense, once a blessing developed out of necessity to keep you safe, can be an obstacle in an otherwise safe relationship.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.