Divorcing? Invest in Learning with These Tips

Divorce always ranks as one of the most stressful life events, often only second to the death of a loved one.

With divorce, life as you knew it is thrown up into the air. You don’t know the configuration life will take until those pieces land. To say it’s a wild ride is an understatement.

The nature of the person whom your are divorcing plays into that stress. How they manage themselves is as important to understand as much as how your manage yourself.

Learning to cope is more than deep breathing, relaxation and de-stressing techniques, which is not to say those aren’t helpful.

While those are necessary, they are not sufficient.

To add, divorce can cause some folks to act in ways never experienced before. That is the impact of such extreme stress. That is the impact of abject fear, loss, grief, anger, despondency.

See yourself as multi-faceted.

As much as you are in distress, find that part of yourself that can be calm. From that place next seek to understand your own stress response as well as that of the person whom you are divorcing.

Invest in learning about that and how to best approach them to work with them given their stress response.

Likely, most people will fear a change in financial status, housing and security.

If you take a perspective of self-survival, you will likely increase the concern for the other’s survival. Given that, a perspective of concern for the survival of both can lesson those fears for the other which in turn may also help you cope better.

Even if you consider the person whom you are divorcing to be a n-rcissist, there are still better ways to manage than others.

As much as you think it starts with the other to behave reasonably, take on the challenge of letting it start with you. Learn how to manage yourself and them as they are rather than as you would like them to be.

Consider it an investment in your better outcome, learning more about yourself and the other, such that you deepen your skills at management.

Strengthen that part of you. That is where your power will come from.

It’s scary for sure. Taking control of yourself first and learning how to manage the other given however they react and cope themselves, can be key to getting through this and sorting out those pieces as the fall, as best as possible.

Life will never be the same.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It will come through considerable disruption though.

Learn about your and the other’s style. Attune yourself and use the recommended strategies.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.