When the Kid is Adversely Coached by the Ex

The one parent puts the kids in the middle.

That parent say horrible things about the other. The child comes back to you angry, hostile and full of lies.

You may think seeking a court order ordering that parent to stop doing that would help, but all too aften it doesn’t.

Rather than stop, that parent may use other tactics to undermine you and create distress.

They could refer to you by your first name to the child rather than mom or dad.

They can roll their eyes when they hear your voice.

They can literally make faces behind your back.

They can use other people to badmouth you.

The list goes on, but I think you know what I mean.

The real strategy for managing this behavior is about managing yourself, not letting it get to you.

Sure, it can be difficult, but it is cheaper and faster than going to court, which itself may not work, and may also be used against you to the child to prove you are hostile.

You see, as you do get upset, you are actually playing into the other’s hand. They love your distress and upset between you and the kids.

As you manage yourself, remain calm and actually empathize with the child caught in the middle, you show you are unaffected and still loving to the child.

Their mission on behalf of the ex falls flat. It holds no power or influence upon you.

In that context it is difficult for the child to keep up the attacks and your behavior only shows you to be respectful and caring of the child, contrary to what they are told.

How well this works depends upon your resolve to maintain your calm and caring disposition. This can provide a better outcome than a court order.

It doesn’t mean the ex’s behavior won’t continue as it often does with or without a court order. It just means you now have a way to more neutralize the impact.

Even if you choose to go to court on this issue, it still remains a strategy to consider.

The best defense is learning how to not be offended.

---

Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.