When the Ex Badmouths You to the Child

It’s a beautiful thing seeing a parent let the barbs of an ex fall flat when before they would get stuck like grappling hooks to drag them down.

When one understands that boundaries means you are not required to respond to the noise of another and that their noise is not a reflection of oneself, one finds their own power.

That power is not over another, but in the protection of oneself, worn like a shield with which nonsense slides off.

That power allows one to observe dispassionately, unaffected, while paradoxically remaining effective in living life with clarity and purpose.

It’s a beautiful thing to see.

That parent wrote to me.

That parent spoke of how their child would return home with the vengeance and vehemence of the ex’s anger expressed through lies and misinformation.

Now the parent has the capacity to hear yet not be triggered.

They can let it fall flat without self-defence or offense. They can remain present for the child, feeling a love that transfers to the child.

The child in return responds positively.

The nonsense as a negative emissary of the other dissipates. The child remembered comes back and love returns.

Boundaries.

It’s a beautiful thing.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.