Nasty Ex? They may not be normal….

There are ways to work with a nasty ex that work better than others.

It’s not that these other ways are perfect or turn everything around for the better. It’s that they can help neutralize some of the toxicity.

You see, most people try to “break through” to the nasty person (identified as high conflict or narcissist). That isn’t the right approach. That typically makes things worse.

The reason is, in so doing, you are looking at them as if they are “normal”. They’re not.

That really has to be understood.

People like this are really only 5 or so percent of the population. And they are not normal.

Don’t tell them that though. That only makes things worse too.

They see the world as good and bad; for me or against me; win or lose; love or hate; preserve or annihilate.

When you come to appreciate they are not normal, then you open yourself up to being more strategic in your interactions. Strategic.

It’s like you can never let them know you are happy with anything they propose. If you do, they will take it back or change their proposal until you do hate it, even if not good for themselves at the same time.

That would be consistent with their goal of annihilation… which isn’t normal.

Indeed, strategically, if you want to accept a proposal, you have to act as if it inconveniences you and you are accepting begrudgingly. Then they are happy.

To fine tune your strategic management of such a person it often takes coaching and training. Most people aren’t used to working strategically. Some find it manipulative.

It still remains. These people aren’t normal, so normal doesn’t work.

Learn to manage strategically and you just may be more effective in meeting some of your objectives.

Strategic doesn’t mean you are seeking something innapropriate. It just means how you get their isn’t traditional.

Look for a divorce coach with training in these matters specifically.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.