Really? You think You Attract “Those” Kind of People?

I was chatting with someone who wondered if they attract difficult people or those who would exploit.

I explained that I don’t subscribe to that way of thinking although I have heard it from other counselors.

My view is that difficult people and those who would exploit others are always around. They are in our families, workplace and communities. That is a fact of life. We likely meet such people regularly.

So, rather than thinking in terms of attracting these folks, I rather think in terms of boundaries.

If one has an upbringing that included abuse or exploitation of ourselves or of one parent by the other, then we learn that we may not be allowed to have and develop boundaries. We may also learn that to appease, we must always be nice which is then equated with being acquiescent.

Thus, when those folks, in a sense, hit on us, we let them in. We have porous boundaries and thus we are vulnerable. This is different from “attracting.”

With this, the challenge is learning that it is OK to have more clear and firm boundaries.

We must learn that if another doesn’t like our reasonable boundary, their dislike may be strategy to have us acquiesce as learned from long ago.

As we develop the capacity to set boundaries, to be free from feeling a need to acquiesce, then we may be better protected from those who would seek to take advantage. And off to another person they will go.

So, it’s not about attracting as these folks treat others like fishing… They will keep casting their lure looking for someone to bite.

Don’t take the bait.

Boundaries.

Walk away and don’t get caught.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.