When Someone You Love has Anxiety…

For many, there is a relational aspect to anxiety.

They seek others to help them manage, make them feel safe or less anxious. They draw others in.

Those that get drawn in become part of a dynamic where as they try to comfort, cajole, support, facilitate, the one with the anxiety experiences and expresses greater fear.

This causes the helper to increase their supportive efforts. In turn, the anxiety escalates.

“It’s ok, there is nothing to fear. Let do…”

“Noooo! You don’t understand… I can’t….”

So the help sought is not to conquer the anxiety, but to actually just manage where one is.

Eventually this frustrates the one trying to help and support can turn to anger, admonisment and/or withdrawal.

This is met by the one with anxiety begging for more support and understanding.

It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s important to remember, anxiety is an unfounded fear or dread, even if it was once based on an actual experience and for many, there may have not been a precipitating event.

To support someone, it is more about being present than trying to rationally talk them out of this disorder.

The person with this level of anxiety needs professional help and would likely benefit from medication.

Facilitating these supports is quite challenging with someone who has this level of anxiety. The reason is, their anxiety attaches to the thought of these interventions and they talk themselves out of them.

Even though you may feel compelled to beg, cajole, threaten, it’s your calm presence itself that may be more therapeutic.

You do not have to comply with requests you believe only maintain or escalate matters.

The one with anxiety may get angry and you may have to withstand that, appreciating this is them simply trying to quell anxious feelings.

Return to offering a quiet presence and letting them know what you would support and facilitate; professional help and/or medication.

Don’t push but let your limits, boundaries and in this case, hopes, be known.

Therein you shift from inadvertently enabling, to facilitating appropriate help if accepted.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.