Disconnect Bridged: Getting Closer in Your Relationship

She thought him self-centered. He thought her a complainer.

He hailed from a family where dad abandoned him and his mother, when he was an infant. Grandmother, a widow, took care of him much of the time, feeling guity for his situation.

Given his mom was hard working and grandmother aging, as he got older he was simply left much to his own to manage. He really only had himself to worry about, carried on as he wished, and didn’t have any role model for how parents might get along.

She grew up between two warring parents.

Her mother kept her head down mostly, seeking to avoid conflict and the violence that would ensue.

She learned to be indirect, never conspicuous or asking for anything for herself. She didn’t want to poke the bear. She mostly hid.

Within their relationship, their upbringing played out.

He basically did what he wanted, somewhat oblivious to her needs and wants.

She, not wanting to poke the bear by placing expectations or demands, did fall to complaining when her unvoiced needs weren’t met. She felt he should just know and act accordingly. When he didn’t, she stewed.

There were a few situations where she happened to voice a desire. Interestingly, when she did so, he always obliged.

It turns out both were lovely people. Both oblivious to the impact of their respective growing up experiences, let alone the other’s.

I pointed out that as she made her needs known, he obliged. I also pointed out that in this relationship, there was no particular yelling, shouting name calling or physical indicators of anger or violence.

The fellow was actually gentle and respectful, even though unaware of her needs and wants.

The challenge was getting them more plugged into each other, more aware of respective needs and expectations.

The solution was simply speaking up, sharing with each other want they wanted or needed.

Given both were otherwise reasonable albeit misunderstood, speaking up could solve much of their disconnect.

There was a perceived risk for her.

She saw how speaking up brought harm to her mother. Because of that, he needed to present as available and open. He needed to ask how she was, how her day was and if there was anything she would like from him.

Once asked, she needed to let him in and be forthright about what she needed or wanted of him.

Therein they both had things to practice.

Those seemingly small things were far from their life experience. It literally took practice.

They did practice and things improved.

With practice the new behavior became more automatic.

They just found themselves getting along better and enjoying the relationship.

As scary as the thought of counseling was, for them it worked.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.