Behavior: Eventually, It’s About the Relationship

The lad’s behavior was a mess when we first got together several months ago.

Meltdowns, aggression, talking back.

There was nothing in the history to suggest anything biological. There was the issue of the parental separation, and although not fully on the same page, at least they were close in terms of parenting.

My involvement, however, was with the one parent and their partner, the stepparent.

What was left was addressing the lad’s behavior more forthrightly. He was getting away with things he shouldn’t.

The parent and stepparent rallied with that and followed through with consequences. They coordinated their actions with the school, where similar behavior was an issue. They were fortunate the school came on board as well as they did.

Indeed, they shared their approach with the other parent who made similar efforts.

Now, these few months later, the lad’s behavior is remarkably and mostly reasonable. Any issues are minor and manageable.

With that, our final meeting was a mere 15 minutes.

I advised the parents to turn up the positive experiences, catching the child more when appropriate and providing that positive feedback.

I explained that with time, behavioral management would wear thin, and the lad would just outgrow a model based more on external controls.

It would be important to foster that positive relationship so the lad would want to please the parent and enjoy the connection.

The stepparent had great rapport and was a positive factor, so I suggested promoting that relationship too as a source of good influence.

With that, the parents would be in a better position to influence and guide the lad through sticky times versus seek to control when indeed that is no longer possible.

They got it, and I am confident they will make it happen.

Given the brevity of our meeting and their great work, I didn’t feel like billing for our short and final time together.

I suggested they take the amount they would have paid me and put it towards going out for dinner together.

They took that well.

I remain available should the need arise.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.