Narcissistic Ex? You need skills, not hand-holding.

I see so many folks dealing with a narcissistic ex in my practice.

My role is to coach them on how to better manage and respond so as to mitigate conflict, control and impact of the narcissist.

This is not a touchy feely or emotive approach.

This is about skill building and developing strategies more likely to manage more effectively.

I do however delve into one’s upbringing. That is to look for vulnerabilities that may need plugging, so to speak.

While I do often see a common thread of vulnerability related to trauma histories, I do see many people caught up with a narcissist whose backgrounds were quiet and idyllic.

Of those, there are no particular issues between the parents, childhood was rather smooth, everyone in one’s family mostly got along. There were no particular waves. Just nice quiet people.

In being nice however, there was no practice at having to set firm boundaries and there is a kind of naivete about life and the fact there are some nasty self-centered people.

There is also a sense of having to accommodate to them or most others as that too is part of being nice.

It is important to understand all these differences between people and their background to help them manage the narcissist in their life.

The reason it is important is because there are different vulnerabilities and different psychological processes involved depending on one’s background. In accounting and managing one’s vulnerabilities, one can usually better apply the strategies for managing the narcissist.

So even through many of the management strategies are the same, how they feel and work for the individual may be colored their psychological profile.

This is coaching with a clinical perspective.

The goal is to develop competencies while addressing any vulnerabilities.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic ex, from my experience and perspective the least effectively approach is one that deals primarily one’s feelings or vulnerabilities alone.

It really is about skill development.

Narcissists are like no other and the usual social strategies just don’t apply.

So check yourself for those vulnerabilities. Learn strategies to plug those holes and learn strategies that are tailored to an understanding of the narcissist personality.

Your service provider best have expertise and training in several areas of practice including: family law and conflict resolution strategies; personality disorders and ways of addressing/managing people in view of their particular disorder; trauma training; family systems theory; child development; general psychology.

This is a complex area of practice.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.