Managing Child Behavior

The parent wondered why their child didn’t listen.

I observed the parent and child.

Whenever the child didn’t listen to a direction, the parent turned to me and offered a reason why the child didn’t do as asked.

At the same time the parent would say, they were sorry to the child for whatever the child was feeling about the expectation

There was no meaningful follow through to require the child to do as asked.

The parent didn’t realize that when they allowed these excuses, the child took it as permission to not follow through.

The parent truly didn’t see themselves as the real issue with the child’s lack of follow through.

I coached the parent.

Firstly, there were to be no apologies as a means of supposedly empathizing with the child’s feelings with regard to a reasonable expectation.

Instead, the parent was to be more directive and if or when the child didn’t follow through, the parent had to be clear with their intention.

“Pick up the ball please.”

“Oh, I want to watch my show first and you’re making me miss it.”

“Pick up the ball and once you have done so, then you can watch your show.”

The child escalated asking, “Why are you being mean to me?”

The parent replied, slowly, “I asked you to pick up the ball and then you can watch TV.”

The child followed through. The parent was actually amazed although finding the task of being firm and directive, challenging.

The parent worried about being perceived as being nice and the child liking them. It was the parent who was insecure and thus emotionally vulnerable. This was the real problem. That took further discussion.

Eventually the parent learned that they themself couldn’t be emotionally dependent on the child as it inadvertently empowered the child to do as the child wanted. This was topsy turvy.

The parent did come to terms with an understanding that as parent one can have expectations on the child, that indeed that’s normal and doesn’t make the parent bad.

The parent also learned that if or when the child was truly hurt or upset reasonably, then of course they could empathize, but being careful not to fall into the trap of letting the child use that as a means to still avoid reasonable expectations.

“You know what, that does sound upsetting and when you get your boots off and hang up your coat, we can talk about it.”

The parent really caught on.

What was a relationship filled with not listening and upset then turned much happier when the parent was clear with boundaries and expectations.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.