Managing the Coached Child Between Separated Parents

Separated parents. Kid comes home loaded for bear.

Kid let’s that parent have it with nonsense told to them by the other parent.

Some may feel intimidated by the child. Some may be angry for the other parent using the child as a pawn. Still others may be unmoved, able to see through the nonsense and thus pay it little mind.

How a parent reacts can greatly influence the perception of the child with regard to what the other parent has said.

In extreme situations, the child may be coached to expect a negative reaction. The child will certainly never be told the other parent will like what’s said about them.

Then, if the parent does react negatively, it creates the impression that the other parent really knows what they are talking about. That gives more credibility to anything else said about this parent.

If however the parent shrugs it off, expresses empathy for the child caught in the middle and then redirects to what ever else they are about to do, then the prediction of the other parent falls flat.

From the child’s perspective, if that falls flat then maybe the other things said about this parent carries little to no weight either.

The weight a child attributes to the things said about the one parent by the other is often a function of how the parent reacts, not what was said about them.

Your calm, taking things in stride and appearing unaffected matters.

That is where your power resides.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.