Don’t Take That Away From Him

His problems seemed endless.

The list of problems was long and the parents were exhausting all their punishments. There was only one left, his part time job.

As awful as school was and as much as he got into trouble there, no amount of punishment would make things better. That job looked like something he might work for. They wondered about taking it away.

See, he did well at that job. He was liked by his boss. He showed up on time. He got the work done. Everyone got along with him there.

I suggested that they not mess with that. It’s the one truly successful thing in his life. He is responsible there, liked, and happy.

Indeed, in his world, that was his island of emotional safety. His land of competence. His place of acceptance.

That job played to his strengths and was the one area he experienced satisfaction and success.

Leave it as his sacred place. I worried that taking it away would leave him little to live for.

As for the trouble at school, he just couldn’t concentrate. The ADHD had the better of him.

Unable to attend to his school work contributed to most of the behavior he exhibited. The punishment only further eroded any sense of self-worth.

To turn things around they would have to move away from increasingly harsh punishments to addressing his emotional needs and seeking treatment for the ADHD.

ADHD doesn’t improve with punishment.

This lad just didn’t have a good set of brakes. Medication may just help him with that.

With medication he would likely be more able to hit the brakes and then with that pause, concentrate and choose a more reasonable course of action.

So the lad will continue with his job. Parents will explore the diagnosis and treatment options with the doctor. Rather than harsh punishments parents will show more empathy for his struggles concentrating on school related tasks.

We’ll see about the lad, but the parents already looked more relieved and the kid’s safe place will remain.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.