Those Crazy-Making Conflicting Messages

Imagine the child being told, “He knows I love him,” by an angry parent.

The child receives a contradictory message because the delivery doesn’t match the intention.

Making matters worse, if the child rejects the statement, the child may be scorned, not loved. Yet, if by chance the child comes close and is met with coldness versus an embrace, again the words carry no weight.

Such is the life of some kids and also some partners. These situations create binds where the person on the receiving end can’t win for losing.

This is part of what is called double bind theory. Developed in the 1950’s it was thought to create schizophrenia and other issues of mental illness. While we no longer see it as creating schizophrenia, we do accept that it is harmful to one’s well-being.

To, in a sense, escape the double bind, one can comment on the conflicting messages or one can leave, withdraw.

Depending on the context of the relationship though, neither solution may be viable. That is when the tension create by these situations can come out as anxiety, depression and inappropriate behavior.

Because of this, when assessing for mental illness or behavior problems, it is vital to also understand the context that may give rise to the issues.

Trying to treat the affected person without changing the context is a little like arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. The intervention looks good, but changes nothing.

Help requires untangling the relationships and facilitating transparency in the situation as well as helping folks to communicate more forthrightly.

The other strategy is helping the person to change the context by limiting their exposure to the toxic messaging, behavior or expectations of the other, mainly by leaving, a form of boundary setting.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.