Counseling? His Turn, Her Turn

He went to counseling just as she wanted. He had to address his anger.

He learned to take a break if conflict arose.

With that break he would compose himself, figure out his feelings and then return to discuss matters more reasonably.

Sometimes it took a matter of minutes, other times a few hours, on occasion a day or two.

No matter how short or long a break he took to figure himself out and no matter how reasonable he returned, she was triggered by his not staying fully engaged and needing this time to process things.

As she got triggered, she next was angry and resentful and things still escalated despite what he learned in therapy.

His improvement revealed her issues.

She felt his withdrawal to manage himself as an abandonment.

Indeed her background was such that she felt continually dismissed by her parents. So now as he withdrew, it triggered these feelings in her.

She didn’t realize those feelings were about her and her background, not him. It was her turn to do some work.

I suggested Dialectical Behavior Therapy for her. With that she would learn to calm herself, process her feelings and learn better communication skills too.

However, I also suggested that he manage his process a bit differently by being more overt about his actions and being more empathetic to her issues.

I suggested that he tell her that when needing a break, he say, “I need to figure this out in my head. I am not leaving you, just figuring myself out.”

With that he better signaled his intention with understanding of her issues. That way she was less likely to get distressed as he took time to process his feelings and thoughts.

Both persons had come from difficult backgrounds. Both had some learning to do in order to manage their own as well as the issues of the other.

It’s work. It takes time. It can require support to get through it. Not all make it.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.