Growing Up With a Difficult Parent

It can be so confusing when statistically, almost everyone has parents who love them and puts them first and you have a parent whose needs supercede your own.

Between the notion that all parents are loving and the child’s need to be accepted and loved, having a parent who does otherwise is befuddling.

The child, whether a youngster, teen or adult remains in a struggle seeking to protect themselves from the demands of such a parent whilst still clinging to the need and hope to be appropriately validated and loved.

Thus there is an ongoing approach/avoid conflict for the child which serves to add to the tensions and escalation of feelings and behavior between this parent and child, regardless of the child’s age.

The parent may blame the child and even seek for the child to attend counseling as a damaged individual whose damage is intrinsic to the child and not an outcome of the parent’s twisted parenting.

Any counseling aimed towards helping the parent understand their place in their child’s distress is met with that parent’s consternation.

Such a counselor will themselves be avoided, vilified and fired by the parent who becomes the focus of needed change.

It may not be until the child is out of the house, distanced, somewhat free, that they may find yet another counselor, fully independent of the parent.

There, hopefully, that child come adult may finally unpack their experience and come to realize their parent and their hopes do not align with the experiences and expectations of most others.

It is a rude and sad awakening, but a good awakening none the less.

For only in understanding the issues and limitations of the parent may the child come to no longer depend upon that parent for validation and love.

With that, the child may come to see themselves as worthy, independent that parent’s views.

Therein is healing and moving forward.

Next is learning to set boundaries to keep oneself emotionally safe. Those boundaries will vary up to and including no contact with such a parent depending on that parent’s level of intrusiveness and persistence.

A difficult journey well worth the taking.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.