Separating: It really is harder these days….

It’s a different world these days for separating parents.

Besides taking both persons working, and at that sometimes multiple jobs, there just isn’t any affordable housing.

That has people still living under one roof when all they want is escape from the other.

The challenge is to come up with some “as if” solutions.

It’s like you have to pretend you are in separate homes each with their own time for responsibility of the kids.

For that you have to actively keep out of the way of the other, depending on how and when you divvy up time and responsibilities.

Just to add, you may not have been able to handle conflict well, but you really need to put an effort into managing your responsibilities and keeping out of each other’s way.

If someone trips up, don’t go down the rabbit hole. Step back, take that deep breath. Wait. Reset.

If possible, use different rooms. If you can’t do that, then see if you can get one alternate living space and share that on a rotating basis.

You don’t have to like each other right now and indeed you likely don’t given the state of the relationship, so don’t expect otherwise.

Having said that though, resist the passive aggressive behavior, let alone the overt stuff. Civil behavior can still be expected and is encouraged.

Be mindful of the advice you receive and where or to whom you go for it. Bias abounds, including your own.

If looking for a lawyer seek those whose reputations are not about fighting but about resolving conflict outside of court. That means looking for service providers who support and/or practice Collaborative Family Law and/or mediation.

This is a time of being scared, angry, hurt and confused. How you manage yourselves will trickle down to the kids. The outcome for them depends upon your self control.

If feeling so overwhelmed you can’t manage well, then speak with a counselor. Put your issues there instead of towards the one from whom you seek to leave or your kids.

Even accessing services to see you through these tough times may be difficult to access given waitlists. .

So, breathe. Settle in. Accept versus complaining. Resist adding to your misery.

Start with that deep breath, even now.

Follow this guidance and there won’t be any magical resolution, but you just may get through this phase of your life a little less scathed.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.