Fighting with Your Teen? Try this….

If you’ve lost the connection to your teen, no amount of begging, cajoling, threats or punishment will get them on track.

First and foremost, you need to establish a connection. No connection, no influence.

For that, guerilla love.

We all know what guerilla warfare is about. You sneak up on your enemy combat and kill them when they aren’t looking and then slip away.

With guerilla love, we go to our teen, whereever they are in the home, likely their bedroom. We knock to signal we’re there.

We peak inside and assuming decent, we enter. Go to them, give a kiss on the top of the head or place a hand gently on the shoulder.

Pause the briefest of moments….. and leave. Leaving quickly thereafter is important.

So often when the relationship is lost, the teen questions our love and as a result, their value. It’s a horrible place to be emotionally and they will never tell you that.

By you going to them, particularly when all else is going on and then demonstrating an act of affection, creates the conditions where they then question their assumption of being unloved and not of value.

None of this is a discussion. It’s an action.

This is not a one time deal. This has to occur hopefully daily, certainly multiple times a week.

Your teen may question your sanity. Just say, “Despite whatever we’re going through, I love you, you matter to me.”

This all about creating the conditions to reconnect. It’s a parental responsibility.

Do keep in mind there are those kids who due to neuro-differences, may be uncomfortable with this level of touch. Then you can consider what action speaks to them whereby it can reinforce your connection and their value.

Guerilla love.

Build the relationship.

That is where your power resides.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.