Family Dinners? They’re not all the same….

As one experiences, one then believes that is the way for all.

If raised in a home where yelling, screaming, belittling, perhaps worse such as pushing, shoving and hitting were frequent, it can create the impression that this happens in all homes.

It also is true that if one grows up in a home that is peaceful and where conflict is met with understanding and problem-solving, similarly, it can create the impression that this too is how all homes function.

Our home was loud, especially with family gatherings. We were Jewish of Russian/Polish descent. Our loudness wasn’t based in anger, but how we talked; with passion, no matter the subject. This was my norm. Living in a Jewish community, it was the norm of most families there.

We moved when I was twelve to a community that was predominantly white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I made friends.

Dinner at their house was so different. Quiet.

Their dad organized the passing of food around the table. No reaching. No shouting across to be passed what you wanted amidst cross-talk and debate. He asked each about their day. One spoke at a time. No leaning in. No elbows on the table.

I stood out at their table.

It took time to learn the rules of their home. In both our homes, all were respectful. No abuse, yet so different.

So it is, each home, like snowflakes. Each operating differently, each with different expectations of behavior, of hierarchy, of conflict and conflict resolution, and each giving rise to family members developing a view that theirs was the way of others.

Our family of origin serves as our template of how families operate. Then, we develop intimate relationships and form our own family.

We now must accommodate, very often not realizing we are combining different expectations on how relationships and family work. It can be quite a transition.

When one or both believes strongly in their way and cannot see past themselves to the ways of the other, greater conflict may ensue.

What one learns of the other in their newly formed family can be unsettling, even difficult to believe.

Therapy is about coming to understand our differences, impact of behavior and learning new ways to accommodate and get along in a way that enables the best for both.

This challenge is not always met well. Hence not all relationships last as intended.

Hopeful, those that do, have transitioned in a way that promotes the wellbeing of those involved and even with that, there will be many ways of doing so.

Families are like snowflakes.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.