Loss and Healing

This past year has been a whirlwind of change for me, moving to a new state, downsizing, and facing life’s unexpected twists. It’s been tough, but I’m here, navigating through it all.

The heart of this story is a bittersweet farewell to my beloved dog, Buster. When he started facing breathing problems and pain, I had to make the gut-wrenching decision to let him go. I held him as he peacefully crossed the rainbow bridge. The other option was to medicate him and keep him around but in constant pain. It’s been eight months, but the grief still lingers.

CPTSD episodes have become frequent visitors, reminding me of scars from past traumas. But even with these challenges, I’m taking care of myself. Bills are paid, I’m enjoying my work, pursuing personal goals, and building a new business. It’s a life I once dreamed of as a child, still blowing my mind at times.

While I still suffer with symptoms of CPTSD, there’s more joy now than ever before. Maybe in the spring I can revisit the idea of adopting another pet. The desire to offer love and ease to a new furry companion becomes a driving force for creating a life that supports their well-being along with mine.

I may never reach that elusive state of healing I seem to always be striving for. The path to self-acceptance involves acknowledging imperfections, with strict self-criticism evolving into a gentler approach. Rest, comfort, and time for reflection precede the next endeavor, marking significant progress.

The journey from survival mode to healing demands a shift in mindset—from a fighter to a healer. Daily meditation and mindfulness practice become my tools for training the mind for peace. Amidst the challenges, self-awareness often feels like a nerdy superpower, allowing me to navigate the complexities of thought patterns.

As I train myself for peace, there’s an acknowledgment of the fear that safety might be a brief intermission before the next traumatic event. Peace does not always feel peaceful but I will grow into it.

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