When the Other Parent Just Won’t Hear of It

If you are separated and coparenting with a n-rcissist, life is tough.

You may have learned that that coparent would happily mess things up for the kids if it makes your life miserable. They would even accept problems for themselves if the problems they create for you are greater.

In the process you may find yourself advocating for the kids. It could be to attend an event, a program, an opportunity. The thing is, as you advocate for your kids, you are actually telling the n-rcissist what is important to you.

They love that because they know that by thwarting you, even if for the kids, will really upset you.

Now, none of this is normal. However, life with a n-rcissist coparent isn’t normal.

This is where you need to realize that as you advocate, you’re all but guaranteed things will get worse.

Be cautious about this. The distress caused by the conflict can actually cause more emotional harm to kids than what you are hoping to achieve by advocating and losing.

This is where boundaries come in. Yours.

As distasteful as it may be, rather than advocating on behalf of your kids, leave it to them to discuss their wants with their difficult parent.

When you assume responsibility, then you may also seen as responsible when unsuccessful. That undermines your role and relationship with the kids.

Further, if you forever act on behalf of the kids, they may not come to know the difficulties of that parent. At some point they will have to figure it out.

Instead of advocating with the n-rcissist, just be supportive of your kids. If they come home disappointed, don’t indulge but do be supportive. That way their relationship with that parent remains that parent’s responsibility and your relationship with your kids remains intact.

This isn’t the perfect life a reasonable parent would want for their kids, but this is their life.

Coming to see it for what it is and learning to cope will become very important life skills for navigating their life-long relationship with a n-rcissistic parent.

Let the kids figure it out. Be supportive. Don’t compensate. Be their safe place.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.